Understanding Relational Aggression Among Girls

What relational aggression is

Relational aggression is a covert form of bullying that uses relationships and social standing as the weapon: excluding someone on purpose, spreading rumors, the silent treatment, or rallying a group against one person. It can be harder for adults to see than shoving or name-calling, but it is bullying nonetheless — unwanted aggressive behavior that involves a real or perceived power imbalance and is repeated or likely to repeat over time 1Ref 1U.S. Department of Health & Human Services (StopBullying.gov) (2024).Facts About Bullying.Bullying is unwanted aggressive behavior involving a power imbalance that is repeated or likely to repeat, which encompasses covert relational aggression..

This is different from a single argument between two friends of equal standing. The defining features are the imbalance of power and the repetition.

Is my daughter experiencing it?

You can't diagnose this from a checklist, and only your daughter can tell you how things actually feel for her. Still, some patterns are worth noticing: being repeatedly left out of plans, a sudden loss of a friend group, dread before school or social events, secrecy or distress around her phone, or unexplained sadness and withdrawal.

When this kind of treatment moves online, it becomes cyberbullying — a form of youth violence associated with real harm to those targeted 2Ref 2Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (2024).About Bullying (Youth Violence Prevention).Cyberbullying is a form of youth violence associated with harm to those targeted.. Ask open, non-leading questions and listen more than you advise. Your steady, believing presence matters.

Why it deserves attention

Because relational aggression is quiet, it is easy to underestimate. But the effects are not small. Adolescents who are bullied — including socially or online — are at increased risk for depression, anxiety, sleep difficulties, and lower academic achievement, and these effects can persist into adulthood 3Ref 3U.S. Department of Health & Human Services (StopBullying.gov) (2024).Effects of Bullying (Long-Term Effects).Children who are bullied are at increased risk for depression, anxiety, sleep difficulties, and lower academic achievement, with effects that can persist into adulthood.. Research also links both traditional and cyberbullying victimization to elevated risk of suicidal thoughts in adolescents, which is why ongoing exclusion and humiliation are not something to wait out indefinitely 4Ref 4Hinduja S, Patchin JW (2010).Bullying, Cyberbullying, and Suicide.Both traditional and cyberbullying victimization are associated with elevated risk of suicidal ideation among adolescents..

Taking it seriously does not mean panicking. It means believing your daughter, staying close, and getting help if the pattern continues.

How to support her

• Validate first. Let her know you believe her and that this is not her fault.
• Keep connection strong. Safe, supportive relationships at home buffer the stress of social adversity and build resilience 5Ref 5Garner A, Yogman M; Committee on Psychosocial Aspects of Child and Family Health, Section on Developmental and Behavioral Pediatrics, Council on Early Childhood (American Academy of Pediatrics) (2021).Preventing Childhood Toxic Stress: Partnering With Families and Communities to Promote Relational Health.Safe, supportive relationships buffer the stress of adversity and build resilience..
• Help her widen her circle. Encourage activities and friendships outside the group where the trouble is concentrated.
• Loop in the school. Prevention works best when the whole school community responds consistently and treats this behavior as unacceptable 6Ref 6U.S. Department of Health & Human Services (StopBullying.gov) (2024).How to Prevent Bullying.Bullying prevention works best when the whole school community responds quickly and consistently..

Avoid forcing a confrontation with the other girls or dismissing it as drama. The goal is to help her feel supported and to interrupt a repeating pattern.

When a clinician helps

Consider a mental health professional if the aggression is ongoing, if your daughter is withdrawing, dreading school, sleeping poorly, or showing lasting sadness or anxiety, or if you ever have concerns about her safety.

A clinician adds concrete value here. They can use validated screening tools such as the SCARED for anxiety or the PHQ-A for depression instead of guessing how much she is affected, and rule out other causes of a mood or behavior change. They provide evidence-based treatment — cognitive behavioral therapy is empirically supported for adolescent anxiety and teaches the coping and assertiveness skills that relational aggression undermines 7Ref 7Kendall PC, Hudson JL, Gosch E, Flannery-Schroeder E, Suveg C (2008).Cognitive-behavioral therapy for anxiety disordered youth: a randomized clinical trial evaluating child and family modalities.CBT is an empirically supported treatment for adolescent anxiety that builds coping and problem-solving skills.. And a clinician can coordinate with the school so the response is consistent. If your daughter ever expresses thoughts of self-harm, treat that as urgent and seek help right away.